


On the Shore of the Wide World

by imaweirdkid



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Apologies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode 2x12, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Spoilers for 2x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 00:55:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11197080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaweirdkid/pseuds/imaweirdkid
Summary: Post 2x12: A week after the events of "You Are Not Your Own," Magnus and Alec talk.Contains major spoilers for 2x12.





	On the Shore of the Wide World

**Author's Note:**

> Right. I haven't written fan fiction in a very, very long time. But that half-assed Malec scene at the end aggravated me so much that I couldn't help myself. It's not beta'd in any way, shape, or form, so apologies for any typos, etc. Also, I feel like Alec is probably slightly OOC here, but Magnus clearly needed comfort, and Not Talking About Feelings™ is probably not helpful... Hence, feelings! Enjoy!

The week after the switch was easily one of the worst weeks of Alec’s life. Not only did he have way too much work at the Institute, but he was also dealing with a boyfriend who was increasingly not talking to him. Magnus had withdrawn into himself. The man, the myth, the legend, could hardly stand to be in the same room as Alec, and there was nothing Alec could do. He felt as if he had gone back and forth through several stages of grief for a boyfriend who was right in front of him. Currently, he was firmly in the anger stage, because he had hardly slept, had tried to call, and was at this very moment sitting outside of Magnus’ bedroom door, trying to get the man to go to lunch with him.

“Please just go, Alec. I’m tired, and I need my beauty sleep,” was the response he got for his efforts.

“You’ve slept all week. You need some fresh air and food. Come on, let’s get you some lunch.” He felt silly talking to a door, incredibly frustrated and helpless, and immensely emotionally ill equipped for this situation. Alec was the one who didn’t talk about his feelings. He had no idea how to encourage someone else to talk about theirs. Let alone Magnus, who was usually the first person to share his thoughts about all manner of things.

“Just go, Alec. I’ll call you later.” Except, you won’t, Alec thought. Magnus had hardly called or texted. They had barely seen each other, and when they did Magnus hardly spoke. As a matter of fact, this was the third conversation through the bedroom door in as many days. Alec was about to leave when a new rush of anger shot through him.

“No.” He banged his flat hand against the door. “Open the door, Magnus. I won’t let you shut yourself in. We need to talk.”

“Just go.”

“No.” He leaned his forehead against the door. “Look, I can’t even begin to imagine what you have gone through during the switch. But you can’t shut yourself in like this. We all miss you. I miss you. I love you. Please, just talk to me.”

Clearly this was the wrong course of action, because suddenly, Alec got pushed back violently. He landed on his ass when the door opened. Magnus followed like an angel of vengeance, standing in the door frame and looking down at Alec. 

“First of all, you have no right to come in here and lecture me about shutting people out. Secondly, I can take care of myself. I am centuries old, Alexander. I know when I have to eat. But most of all, you are damn right you have no idea what it was like. You have no idea what it’s like to look at your lover and see only ice-cold duty staring back at you. You have no idea what it’s like to be tortured with the memories that almost drove you insane the last time, all under the watchful eyes of the one person who should stand by you. I understand perfectly well what your duties are, Alexander. I have always been painfully aware of them. I guess I’m just finally having to face the fact that that is who you are, Alec. A shadowhunter. It is ingrained in you. You don't trust, you just follow procedure, and I don’t blame you. But please, for goodness sake, give me a damn minute to get over the fact that you almost executed me. Surely, I am allowed that much.” 

He was breathing heavily, eyes wide. Alec could tell that Magnus was surprised by his own actions and words. And despite all the anger and sorrow, Alec still thought he was the most beautiful man he had ever seen. And his own heart ached knowing that he had hurt Magnus so deeply.

“I- I’m sorry,” Alec whispered. “I didn’t-“ He didn’t even know how to finish that sentence. He didn’t what exactly. Know that they had switched? Want any of this to happen? Think about what Magnus must be feeling? Magnus who was looking at him right now. He looked younger than Alec had ever seen him, and he had the sudden urge to hold him close. 

“I- I didn’t think at all,” Alec said. “You’re right. I don’t know what you’ve seen during that time, and worst of all, I administered and enabled the majority of that torture. I didn’t- Magnus, I’m sorry. I’ll go. I’ll give you space,” he got up from the floor, “But please, please talk to someone. Anyone. Please, I beg you.” He waited for a reaction. A nod. Anything. A bit of reassurance that he wasn’t leaving Magnus to his self-prescribed bed rest. But nothing came. 

“Alright,” Alec said. “I’ll give you some space. Please call if you need anything, even if you don’t want me to come and bring it to you.” He turned to leave, when Magnus interrupted him.

“I don’t want to talk to anyone else,” he said. “I only ever want to talk to you about it, but you are also one of the reasons it is so painful.”

He sat down on the couch. Alec walked towards him slowly, giving him time to stop him from getting to close. Finally, he sat down beside him. He waited. When Magnus didn’t go on, he realized he needed to give him permission. Permission to hurt him with words in order to understand what had happened between them.

“You can tell me,” he said. “Even when you blame me.”

“I am not being fair, Alexander. None of my feelings on the matter are fair to you, but they are there nonetheless.”

“I know,” Alec said.

“I understand logically that you couldn’t have known it was me-“

“You don’t have to explain-,“ Alec tried to intercept. 

“But I nonetheless hoped that you would,” Magnus finished. Alec just looked at him, not knowing what to say. He knew he would have hoped the same. It scared him that he didn’t, that he had almost killed one of the people he loved the most. 

“I had hoped that you would know me anywhere,” he added. There was nothing to say. It was betrayal even if the circumstances made the assumption unfair. Alec knew that Magnus knew this, was certain that Magnus didn’t want to blame him, but a part of him did anyway against his will.

“It’s all very new,” Magnus continued. “It was a silly thought. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“

“-It’s not silly,” Alec said. He looked up into Magnus’ eyes. “Not at all. Not even a little bit. It’s new but that’s not an excuse. I love you. I should have known it was you. I want to know you anywhere, Magnus. Any time. In any circumstance. And I didn’t. And I caused you pain when I should have protected and saved you.”

Magnus’ eyes softened. “I don’t want you to blame yourself, Alexander. That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. But a part of me is disappointed in myself for not having seen you, even if I know how impossible it was for me to do so considering the circumstances. Yes, I am a shadowhunter. I am obliged to act in the way that I did. But I had suspicions, Magnus, and I ignored them because I am new to this, and I didn’t know if my instincts were right or whether this was the moment my parents were finally proven right by someone getting to me through you. I didn’t trust myself to know you so I didn’t, and that is something you can be disappointed in. That feeling is valid.” A moment of silence hung between them.

“Thank you, Alexander.” Magnus smiled a small smile. “That means a lot.” More silence. Magnus was looking out the window staring at the sunset. After a while, he began talking.

“I had to relive the darkest days of my life, Alexander. That rune drew things to the surface that I had buried deeply just so I could get up in the morning. And you just stood there, ready to execute me on top of it all, looking at me as if I was a monster. And it’s not that I blame you. Not really. It isn’t actually just any one thing that is hard to work through here, Alexander. It is the mixture of past horrors with worst nightmares in a scenario even I couldn’t have imagined. How do you deal with life being worse than your biggest fears?” He turned back to look at Alec as if he was genuinely asking. But Alec had no answers. Magnus was centuries old, and he clearly didn’t know how to handle this. 

Alec didn’t have answers. And for the first time, he thought maybe it was better not to have answers than to say anything at all. There was nothing to say. Something terrible had happened to Magnus and despite the fact that rationally he knew he had little ways of stopping it; he had still participated in his horror. All he could do was be there now for as long as it took for Magnus to work through it. Alec gently took his head in his hands and brought their foreheads together. 

“I don’t know the answer,” he whispered. ”But I believe in you. I believe in you when the odds are stacked against us. I believe in you when life creates nightmares I could not have dreamed up. I believe that you can get through anything, and if I can do anything to help you, even just the slightest bit, then please, Magnus, say the word, and I’ll do it.” 

Magnus took hold of his arms and just breathed. 

“You’re already doing it, Alexander,” he said. “Just stay.”

And that was something Alec could definitely do.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, guys. :)


End file.
